Frank told me last year that he kind of wanted to see New Moon, so I got all excited. He said he wouldn’t go at midnight with me, but maybe a week later when the crowds weren’t so bad. And then he saw the bad reviews and started hemming and hawing around, and eventually the movie was out of the theaters, and he was a bad sweetie. But he really wants to watch the New Moon RiffTrax, and since the DVD is mine, purchased with my allowance, I made him watch it with me regular once before we watch with RiffTrax. Here are his and my comments from our screening.
“Is that a Snuggie festival?”
“That’s a gay jacket he’s wearing. Velvet collars? Really, Edward?”
“Line…”
“When I asked for a gram and a mirror, this is not what I had in mind.”
“In a city of like 3000, how many can they afford to have die?”
“What, she didn’t trade up for better friends for this movie?”
“He always has such a gay little car.”
“If the secret to getting women really is being silent while staring awkwardly, I thought I had that down in high school.” “Well, it was your awkward internet staring that attracted me to you.”
“Hahahaha! ‘I’m slow-motion walking toward you.’ Hey, when our kid walks for the first time, we’ll put it in slow motion.”
“Why would anyone not want presents?”
“What is Alice wearing? She looks like a pregnant Raggedy Ann.”
“It’d be neat if they had a sign up here. ‘FORESHADOWING.’”
“All the girls, including Eric, are crying.”
“What kind of crappy teacher pauses the movie right before Romeo’s last line?”
(re: Caius) “I like the blond one. He’s got the fruitiest awkward stare.”
(Frank laughs when Bella says she could protect Edward if he makes her a vampire.)
(”It’s a necklace. Alice picked it out.”) “I don’t like you.”
“Alice apparently can’t predict papercuts.”
“Do it, Jasper, kill her!”
“He sure likes shoving people.”
“Jasper, you’re a failure.”
(”You’ve always been very gracious about us.”) “And stupid.”
(”If you believed as Edward does, could you take away his soul?”) “Yeah, I totally could.”
(”You’re not gonna want me when I look like a grandmother.”) “I don’t want you now.”
(”I don’t believe that.”) “‘I unt meree dat.’ If someone’s paying you to act in a movie, the least you can do is not mumble your lines.”
(”I love you.” “Love you.”) “Wow, say it like you don’t mean it, Edward.”
“He switched from the gay little pea coat to stupid blazers that don’t fit for this movie.”
(”We have to leave Forks.” “Why?”) “Because of your face.”
“Line…”
(”Just myself and my family.”) “And Kitty Fantastico.” “They don’t have a cat.”
(Frank laughs when Edward says not to do anything reckless.) “First thing she’s gonna do is go drunk driving.”
(”It’s not about your soul.”) “White people don’t have no soul anyway.”
“Haha. He abandons her in the woods so she won’t be able to find her way back.” “Yeah, and they’re standing right by her house when he leaves, and she still manages to get lost.”
“I don’t want you to come to any harm, so I’m abandoning you in the woods.”
“Squirrel! Have you seen Edward?”
(We laugh many times during Bella’s lost-in-the-woods scene.)
“Ooh. Wake up for that, Bella. You’re missing some fabulous pecs.” (that was me, if you’re wondering)
“Found the girl. Now can we look for my shirt?”
“She is not very nice to her ‘friends.’”
“Hey, you know who it’d be great for you to live with? Your mother.” (And then we laugh 30 seconds later when Charlie tells Bella she’s going to live with her mother.)
(”You hate shopping.”) “You also hate Jessica.”
“Charlie’s cop mustache is pleased.”
(re: Jessica) “I hope a vampire kills her soon.”
“Where are you GOING?” (reference to Twilight RiffTrax)
“She is stupid.” “Duh. She’s Bella.”
(”I brought you something. It’s a little crazy.”) “It’s scissors. For your hair.”
(”Of course it’s stupid and reckless. When do we start?”) “We’re talking about having sex, right?”
“No, a white man killed all our girls.”
(”You’ve gotta learn to love what’s good for you.”) “Like fiber.” “Like my mustache. It won’t stop growing, so…”
(re: Sam staring at Jacob, waiting for him to join his gang) “Maybe he’s staring at your long hair, waiting for you to cut it.”
“Closeup of Sam’s abs! Good cameraman!” (me)
“Shouting ‘whoa’ does not make it go slower. It’s not a horse.”
“Hahahaha. She has to find a rock.”
(”You’re apologizing for bleeding?”) “For living, in general.”
(re: Face Punch) “I mean, that’s the best action movie title they can come up with?” “I’d watch it.”
“That movie actually sounds interesting.”
“Wow. She’s got the sissiest friends.”
(”I’m not like a car that you can fix up.”) “Cars have value.”
“Bad dog! Down, boy!”
(”Jacob, I need you.”) “Yeah, I’ve got these abandonment issues, where people abandon me…”
(”You cut your hair off? And got a tattoo?”) “That’s so gay!”
(”How about those filthy bloodsuckers you love? The Cullens.”) “Oh, I’m glad you clarified which bloodsuckers you meant. I thought you meant mosquitoes.”
(”You’ve lied to everyone. Charlie…”) “I can’t name anyone else. You don’t talk enough to your friends to lie to them.”
(”I can’t be your friend anymore.”) “Because of your pale face.”
(”I used to be a good kid. Not anymore.”) “I’ve taken up with childhood obesity.”
“She doesn’t have anyone to stare at right now, so they show clips of her staring from the last movie.”
(”Lie.”) “I’d have to think to lie.”
“Why isn’t he sparkling?” “It’s not sunny. It’s overcast. Or maybe only white vampires sparkle.”
(”Don’t be afraid. I’m doing you a kindness.”) “You’re doing the whole world a kindness, Laurent.”
“Snausages!”
“He looks like he’s skateboarding.”
(”I saw them in the woods.”) “What are woods?”
“You know, Jacob, you could text me that you’re outside. You don’t have to throw rocks at my window and scare the crap out of me.”
(”Bella!”) “Oh. I was looking for Bela Lugosi. I hate vampires!”
(Jacob climbs into Bella’s room.) “Parkour!”
(”I hate what they’ve done to you!”) “Now you’re no longer asexual and non-threatening.”
(”You remember when we walked on the beach at La Push?”) “Oh, you caught that, did you?”
(”No, I’m in it for life.”) “What, you joined the Crips?”
“I can’t just run away from it. I’m a Native American, not a Native Frenchman.”
“I know the truth, Jacob. You’re a zombie.”
“She put 2 and 2 together when she saw a wolf in a wheelchair.”
(Sam’s pack starts laughing at Bella.) “Just thinking of the Simpsons episode I saw last night.”
“Be careful not to get too near the wolves, Bella. If you get their blood on you, you might get a computer virus.”
(”Alice, is it possible that all the myths are true?”) A leprechaun should just come out of nowhere and say, “Oh, everything’s alright, milady.”
(”We can hear each other’s thoughts.”) “That’s what we learned about wolves on the Discovery Channel.”
(”We’re faster than vampires.”) “And hairier and less pale.”
“What are you doing wearing a shirt?”
(”So you’re a werewolf?”) “We prefer to be called Native Canines.”
(”It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella. I was born this way.”) “And I’m also a werewolf.”
(”Your lack of confidence in us is a little insulting.”) “So’s your face.”
“What is it with Native Americans and lying?”
“Bury my heart at Wounded Knee!”
“Being a vampire looks like fun. She’s just flipping around, doing swan dives…”
(Victoria is coming at Bella in the water, Bella hits her head.) “And then Victoria just decided Bella was too pathetic to kill.”
“Usually a human body’s buoyant, but she must have had a couple of burritos or something.”
“No mixed signals there. Leaning in for a kiss and then stopping. You’re not a tease at all, Bella.”
(”I’m not gonna let him kill himself out of guilt.”) “Yeah, I don’t care if he kills himself out of guilt.”
“Now he’s gonna provoke them. ‘You’re doody heads!’ ‘We’ll kill you!’”
(”He’s gonna show himself to the humans.”) “And they’ll be like, ‘Wow! He’s glittering! He must be a vampire!’” (all said in hick accent, which he probably thinks is an Italian accent)
“This is just so contrived. ‘Oh no! Annoying girl who always looks like she’s gassy is dead! I’m gonna kill myself!’”
“Look at her coppin’ a feel on everybody.”
“They both like to jump to conclusions and commit suicide. They’re perfect for each other.”
(”I just couldn’t live in a world where you don’t exist.”) “I could.”
(”And you believed me so easily.”) “Because you’re stupid.”
“Um, Alice? Leave the shoulder pads in the ’80s where they belong.”
“Seriously, Edward needs some iron or B-12 or something.”
(”How can you stand to be so close to her?” “It’s not without difficulty.”) “The whole world shares your sentiments.”
(Aro takes Bella’s hand to read her thoughts.) “We are now vampire married.”
(”I see nothing.”) “She’s never had a single thought in her life.”
“I caught a bumblebee!”
“Um, why is Edward getting his butt kicked? He can’t read Felix’s thoughts and predict his moves like he does in Eclipse?”
“Man, this is the best part of the movie. It’s what we’ve all wanted to do to him.”
(”Kill me! Not him!”) “Oh, I’ll kill you both.”
(”You’d give your life for one of our kind?”) “Not you, douchebag.”
“You’re in Italy! Speak English!”
(Marcus: “Let us be done with this.”) “American Idol will be on soon.”
(Caius says something.) “And tell me if I’m a boy or a girl.”
(”Last time you said that, you took off, and I didn’t see you for three days.”) “Best three days of my life.”
(”It would be nice to not want to kill you all the time.”) “Maybe if you’d succeeded before, it would already be resolved, you failure.”
arrives today. I got it on eBay and feel like I should be in a Weird Al song. I’m so excited about it that I’m trying to get all my cleaning finished this morning so I can play with it all afternoon. And yesterday I went and bought a bunch of scrap papers on clearance so I can play cheaply. 
